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Love thy neighbour…

After a gig and scrolling TV channels in my hotel, I came across a show called Naked Attraction. I knew of the show already, mainly from hearing comedian’s samey comedy routines on the unlikely format. But finally encountering it, I was completely dumbstruck. People entirely naked on TV and in dare-I-say-it but warts n’ all close-up and it appears to me at least with bodies that are much better off being clothed.

My first thought was who goes on such a show? How can anyone be so carefree and revealing and surely, but each to their own I guess.

Maybe I am being too prudish and over private – a thought which recurred to me this week when heading over to see my mum in Ealing (north west London), Nikki spies an opportunity to kill two birds… since a friend of hers (who shall remain nameless) has bought an item on eBay from a house in Ealing and could I pick it up and save her friend the two hour round trip?

And naturally, being the hero that I am, of course, no problem.

Nikki texts me the address, a time and the details.

“…picking up a mirror.”

Who buys a mirror on eBay I wonder? Nikki’s friend, it turns out.

Similar to Naked Attraction, I am aware of eBay but not so familiar with it. A buying exchange  for anything and everything. Even mirrors, it seems. And why not? Much better than chucking stuff out and I am conscious that eBay is often a much needed revenue stream for people who are pinched.

Arriving at the address at bang-on 2pm, my eye brows raise for the first time, it being a  stunning period property on a broad tree lined road. A double fronted home worth many millions and I surmise that eBay sales will not be the owners primary income. Investment banking more likely.

Being such a large pile, the owner takes a long time to open the front door. He is wearing lycra and is out of breath. I don’t know whether this is because of his run for the door or if he’s been exercising. But I am about to find out.

“Sorry about that. I was in my gym, working out.”

He shows me inside his beautiful home with its tiled hallway and stained glass doors. We head in to a reception room whereupon he shows me the mirror and I have my second eye brow moment.

It’s a head board!

You know, a head board from a bed and not a single bed either.

It’s a mirror all right – but it’s a mirror within a heavy wooden headboard – from a double bed.

Now…

We all have mirrors in bedrooms, of course. On dressing tables and vanity units but there are also mirrors in bedrooms which can have alternative uses. You know the kind I mean. Mirrors that are strategically placed to add spice and perk things up a little.

Mirrors on the ceiling being the ultimate statement in this area – but a mirror on the headboard is new to me and I start to think of its possible uses…

A head board for the vain lover perhaps? The type of man who might work out when he is expecting someone to pick up his sex aid headboard? Now I wonder if he was working out at all. I note in his hallway some stairs heading down, presumably a basement but now I reason more likely, a dungeon.

I stare at the ‘mirror’ for a moment and I am struck that he doesn’t appear to be embarrassed at all. As though, we all have mirrors in our headboards.

‘What is that?’ I ask, almost as a reflex.

‘Pine. I think.’

This was his actual answer. The mirror is so routine to him, he genuinely thought I wanted to know what wood it is. And believe me, ‘wood’ is the last thing I want to discuss with this mega-rich sex maniac.

But then I think of the person who has bought this item and is happy for me to pick it up for her. Nikki’s friend, a lady I know well, or at least I thought I did.

To hide her blushes, let’s call her ‘Jill’ – although I will soon discover that Jill doesn’t do embarrassed and is in fact, quite the exhibitionist.

Driving home I think about Jill and her husband, Jack (not his real name, either). Does their marriage need such a boost, I wonder? Certainly, they’ve been married a long time and are at an age when help might be called for – but really, for such a large and cumbersome sex aid.

I think people are more open these days. People tend to overshare and maybe this is a good thing. People are more sexually daring also. How else is ‘dogging’ even a thing and revenge porn with leaked sex tapes that we all have proudly recorded, right?

Finally, I arrive at Jill’s house a little after 3pm – in other words, in broad daylight and I begin to haul this ‘mirror’ from my car for all her neighbours to see.

If I bought such a mirror on eBay, firstly I would collect it myself and then,  I would leave it in my car until the cover of darkness so that I could get it inside without anyone seeing.

But no such worries for Horny Jill and Jumpin’ Jack.

Jill throws open her door and is thrilled to see me.

‘Jill, I have your mirror.’

‘Great stuff, Dom. I’ve wanted one of these ages.’

My eye brows are now exhausted but there is more to come when Jill floors me with…

‘It’s for my back garden.’

Lucky neighbours, I think to myself.

Ideal for those nights which all couples suffer – when you’ve searched the entire library of Netflix, Prime, Apple and Disney and still can’t find anything to watch together…

But no problem on this road. Jill’s neighbours can head upstairs and watch the Jack and Jill Show, infrequently I imagine (at their age) but when Jack and Jill get it on and move things outdoors, it’s a show that no one wants to miss and gives a whole new meaning to Neighbourhood Watch.

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My new novel, Made in England is being published on July 3rd and can be pre-ordered here.

Eclipsed Audio – read by Dom and in convo with Tom is published June 19th and available at flickrocket.com – it can be pre-ordered here.

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Dogging btw, is couples having sex in their vehicles while other people look on! For people interested in this activity, my apologies, but I do not have any clickable links to help with this. Maybe Google it. But be careful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9 thoughts on “Love thy neighbour…”

  1. Antonieta Alanis

    Que risa, jajaja conoces a Jill y Jack pero pues caras vemos corazones no sabemos😅😅🙈🙈
    Saludos y buenas tardes!!

  2. This made me giggle!!!! I could picture the whole scenario playing out. Thank you for a wonderful blog, & for brightening my Sunday. Have a wonderful week!

  3. Hahahahaha thanks’s for the footnote on “dogging”! I don’t think you’re being too prudish at all. I can’t understand the mind of exhibitionists either, I’m sure they come with a lot more loose screws than “regular” people. Picturing your exhausted brows made me laugh 🤣🤣

  4. As an avid gardener, I can only hope she’s creating a focal illusion for the landscape that requires reflection. I have each of the four elements represented in mine, but the ‘au natural’ element is not on my radar. Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed that the neighb’s don’t have to call 911 and explain how they know someone broke a hip!

  5. Thanks for a brilliantly funny blog.
    A cautionary tale of the perils of being helpful…Your poor overworked eyebrows! I’m guessing you will be unexpectedly busy next time you are called upon to be ‘eBay delivery man’ for Jack and Jill. Stick to visiting Granny Tess, much safer! Have a great week 🙂

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