How’s your reading?
A silly question perhaps, given that you’re reading this. Therefore, I presume your reading is fine or at least, good enough to read my stuff.
By reading, what I mean is, how is your reading out loud?
Because it turns out that mine is not great. It might even be hopeless and not up to scratch which means I have over promised and my Patreon site is likely to be a non-starter.
Patreon was introduced to me last week by a friend and it appealed immediately. A subscription site for content creators – and as a blogger, apparently I qualify.
This is great news and I am mustard keen and not just because of this Corona shutdown. This is something I should have done years ago. Why hasn’t anyone told me about Patreon before now?
With great timing, Harry phones – checking in on his old-man to see how he is coping with the lockdown and having nothing to do; only now I am energised. I am man with hope. Excitedly, I explain my new venture and how it could be a breakthrough for my writing. I explain it’s a site called Patreon…
But Harry stops me. He already knows all about Patreon. Apparently he has friends already on it and doing very well.
Immediately, that question again. Then why didn’t you tell me about it?
But never too late, right and I am keen to make up for lost time.
I’m in. Where do I sign?
My friend is more measured (less deluded) than me. Most people are. She explains that the secret to success with Patreon is to provide great content!
No problem, I reply full of verve.
People seem to enjoy my blogs and I can write an infinite number. Have done for years and for nix.
Patreon works by providing extra content for a small subscription but the cunning trick is being able to attract a large audience.
‘What content could I provide?’ My friend asks.
‘Blogs.’ I answer too quickly.
‘Mmm.’ She rolls her eyes. ‘And what else? Something as well as blogs. Something you don’t already offer.’
‘For instance, could you read chapters from your books?’
What a stupid question.
Can I read excerpts from my own books? Books that I have written! Of course I can. I speak out loud for a living or at least I used to.
‘Can I read out loud? Yes I can.’
Only it turns out that it is.
It is a problem.
It’s a big problem which becomes apparent as I spend an entire afternoon recording the foreword, prologue and first chapter of Eclipsed.
I thought it would be easy.
But it isn’t. It’s blinking difficult.
It isn’t very long. Only 16 pages – so a twenty minute read perhaps, and yet my recording stretches to almost 75 minutes!
That's almost an hour of errors to weed out. Bad news for me but worse news for Paddy because in Harry’s absence, he’s the editor.
Harry left home at the earliest possible opportunity and probably to avoid jobs just like this.
The out-takes will be interesting and possibly more entertaining than the book. Writing Eclipsed, I avoided expletives and yet my recording became increasingly colourful. It would be categorised an R or 18 – so Paddy could probably down tools on Health & Safety grounds.
I hope there is something worth posting. Something good enough to listen to on a dog walk because I’m on the hook; having promised such a thing and people already signed up.
Paddy, over to you. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to save this new venture of mine.
Not that Paddy has a choice, like Tom Cruise does in the movies. It’s more of an order, which sits badly with him and especially since he is still basking in the glory of finding our lost keys.
A good job he doesn’t read my blog, or he would know how much he has saved me and he could easily negotiate himself a hefty fee for editing.
Anyway, I have set a deadline for the end of this week – to post this recording and immediately we have an impasse. Suddenly, Paddy is busy and has things to do. Like what?
On a dog walk this morning, we are arguing over anything and everything – and finally I snap.
Final Cut Pro is the software that is being used. And really, how difficult can it be? I am a capable man. Outside reading out loud – there is not much that I can’t do.
‘Okay.’ I begin. ‘I’ll do it myself. I will sit down this afternoon and I will edit the bloody thing myself.’
Nikki and Sam hear this but they say nothing. Perhaps they are impressed.
Paddy has yet to respond but we can all sense that something is coming.
He scoffs and then adds…
‘Dad, there is no way you can do it, you can’t even turn the telly on.’
And we all burst out laughing.
The timeframe remains – my reading will be posted to Patreon by this weekend – or your money back.