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This is all true…

Growing up it never occurred to me why the shop might be called Cherry Pye.

A shop close to my home and selling all things erotic. Its large window festooned with mainly lingerie, saucy adult outfits and a range of adult toys like fluffy handcuffs and whips. No doubt, inside the store were more practical adult toys. The invasive kind? But it was more of a novelty shop than a sex shop which probably explains why it was allowed such a garish window.

And so it remains to this day, almost exactly the same, some 40 years on. Cherry Pye remains open, pepping up marriages perhaps and staving off divorce lawyers. Although not at present with lockdown continuing and only shops selling essential items allowed to trade.

It’s a brazen person who would demand their right to buy a spanking paddle.

But why I am telling you all of this? Where is this going you might wonder?

Well, some years ago, I was producing a short film I had written based on a very funny episode that had occurred to a comedian mate of mine. So funny, that we decided to film it. With my friend playing himself. Harry playing his son. Another comedian playing the other protagonist and with Tom directing (because he was also funding it).

I should probably explain this episode but I won’t because it is not mine to publish and it is not relevant to this tale.

Those readers who are more astute will have deduced already that there is no short film to watch either. More on this later.

With the movie in the can (and it transpires, where it would forever remain) we had one final shot to complete the short film. For this shot, we had commandeered the beautiful house of a friend of ours and their vintage Jaguar car. Our house and Honda was not the look that we needed.

The shot being that my friend (playing himself) would come out of his grand home, open the trunk of his car and be shocked by what he finds.

Not that my friend is not a convincing actor, although like me, he is just a stand-up – the director of this movie (Tom Holland) and my other son who thought he should be the director (Harry Holland) decided that we should have something in the trunk to surprise our leading man  – to guarantee a genuine shock reaction.

Brilliant.

But what to leave in the trunk of a car. Nothing that will scare him like a small child. But what then? We went through lots of suggestions – all rejected – until someone suggested a sex toy.

Brilliant.

I was delighted to announce that Nikki and I had no such to lend and so it would need to be purchased. But no one was very keen to make this purchase as the shooting day loomed.

Then one evening, with all six of us driving home from Sunday lunch my folks and with Cherry Pye open for business… at least three of us wondered.

A quick con-flab amongst us…

We confirmed that the purchase remained outstanding. So here then was a golden opportunity.

But who is going to buy it?

Obviously I can’t because I am driving the car.

Tom adds to his name to the can’t list – because he might get recognised.

Which leaves Harry, Sam, Nikki and Paddy.

Harry is the most likely but he’s only 14.

Maybe Cherry Pye has an age restriction. And anyway, what sort of parents send their son out to buy a vibrator?

With this, Nikki bravely steps up. ‘But I’m not going in alone.’ She states.

‘Harry. You go with mum.’ I instruct as I hand Nikki my wallet.

‘Try to pay with cash.’ I suggest. ‘I don’t want my accountants seeing ‘Cherry Pie’ on my bank statement at year end.’

Nikki and Harry disappear in to Cherry Pye – a shop that beguiled me as a child.

 

What happens next is the absolute truth and cannot easily be explained…

 

In the shop, Nikki is mortified by the array of ‘toys’ available. Who knew? Some are enormous and her husband might have explaining to do. It is a decidedly awkward browsing experience because she is very obviously, a mum with her son.

No doubt, the proprietor of Cherry Pye has seen all sorts over the years and is rarely surprised or perturbed by its clientele – but this would be a first…

Nikki grabs what Harry suggests is suitable for our purposes and she makes for the till with her head bowed. Instinctively, she feels a need to explain herself and in doing so, she gets it very wrong indeed…

“It’s not what you think. It’s for a film. My husband is making a film with my son.”

Nikki and Harry emerge from the shop in fits of giggles. They jump in to the car like a couple of armed bank robbers and I step on the gas as they explain.

And it worked by btw. The prop. For the film I mean. We didn’t…

We got the shot we needed – of our leading man looking suitably shocked, only for the laptop on which the footage was stored to be promptly stolen and with it our film was lost.

We had intended to film it again but Tom and Harry have been a tad busy since. I on the other hand…

And just to round off. The ‘toy’ was not kept by the Holland household. Just in case anyone might be wondering.

And as you can imagine, it was not taken to a charity shop either.

24 thoughts on “This is all true…”

    1. Absolutely hilarious, Mr. Holland!!! That’s one for the books in the Holland household, certainly!!!
      Thank you for sharing these stories– Kristen U.S.A

      1. This is a rich comedy vein and a farce waiting to happen. You’re lucky no one called child protective services or whatever it is there. Of course now the world knows Harry when to a sex shop to buy a vibtator with his mum, which is how I think you should phrase it should you be writing a Christmas newsletter for your extended family. Or under special skills on his CV.

  1. This might be my favourite blog you have published. It just kept getting better.
    Hopefully you’ll be able to re-shoot the film someday.

    1. I always look forward to your blogs and this Sunday I was lying in bed with my husband and family of pets when it was posted so I decided to read this one aloud (in a british accent of course because saying words like festooned is just so much more fun). Usually your blogs are insightful and witty but this one was a bonafide comedy sketch that was interrupted often with raucous fits of laughter! I myself felt what you must feel whenever you step on stage, and what a rush it is! ♡Katie

  2. Read this for the first time on your Patreon and rereading it here makes me love the tale even more
    A great blog, thanks so much! xx

  3. This was hilarious!
    Never laughed this much in a long time, thank you Dom!
    Genuinely sounds like a script to a British sitcom/comedy show!

  4. Oh my god…this is so funny!!! I couldn’t stop laughing.
    I think, I will never read a blog from you in a metro again. All these strange and suspicious looks 😉

  5. As of late your blogs have been odd Mr. H but rather interesting, I love reading about your family dynamic. I do have to say that Mrs. Holland(Nikki) is one brave soul, as is Harry(But probably not for the same reasons). But at least they had a getaway car waiting for them. But I do wonder did you and your three sons just watch the store front waiting for her and Harry to come out and then start the engine or did you have it running and told them to hurry? Lol

  6. Márcia Malaquias

    hahahahah What an adventure!
    A doctor here in Brazil reported that one of the most removed items in the female organ is the toy spider man was a topic that was much talked about on twitter last week, poor spider man looking for a hideout

    ❤️ X
    Márcia Malaquias

  7. Great blog dom ,adorei a comparação que fizeram com Cherry (a loja) e com Cherry (o filme ) agradeço ao tom .fiz uma crítica no Instagram .e não se preocupe dom ,poderá reformar o seu filme em breve que se tem as pessoas que eu mais amo ,não deve ser muito difícil refilmar e ficar great. Vocês tem as melhores ótimas ideias .vá em frente . And tomorrow is a list the Oscar convite. Estamos na torcida.beijo e um great domingo e great blog . I Hope ter gostado do filme (Cherry) and family
    Much hilarious blog
    Happy mothes day para a mulher mais corajosa . Happy day

  8. Oh my… the way Nikki said that: “My husband is shooting a film with my son.” I think I died of laughter. That cashier must have been so confused, hopefully not too horrified. But they managed to escape into the get-away car, so all’s well that ends well.

  9. Absolutely halarious blog today Dom. I love it. Where would you be without Nikki to assist you. I love that she explained the purchase to the assistant wishing Nikki and all you Patreon mums a very happy Mother’s Day on this side of the world

  10. This gave me such a laugh when I needed it! That bit with what Nikki said to the cashier was the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long while. Happy mother’s day to her!

  11. LOL!!! OMG, this story is awesome . Nikki is THE queen, what a brave woman in such an uncomfortable situation. But, definitely, you shoudn’t say the sexy toy is for a film with your son.

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