Time used to be precious – but not right now, with many of us now having an abundance of spare time. During lockdown – each day is a challenge to get through, before at last, evening arrives and which too many of us seem to be spending with Joe Exotic and which will do nothing for our mental health.
Tedium rates are high. The news is full of only one story. Locked at home, people are struggling for motivation and for focus.
Lying in the bath yesterday and bored almost to delirium, I started to read the finer details of my shampoo bottle. It does not make comfortable reading – and so I was fortunate to be lying in a relaxing bath.
The shampoo in question is Pantene Pro-V Silky & Sleek – one of the leading brands in the UK and I assume worldwide, since it is manufactured by the behemoth, Proctor & Gamble.
I can’t recall exactly, but I think that I bought this very shampoo from my local supermarket and I am struck now by my choice – Silky & Smooth and I wonder, is this shampoo for people who already have Silky & Smooth hair? Or is it for people who wish to achieve Silky & Smooth?
Intrigued, I read on and in the smaller print below, I have my answer.
“For Frizzy, Dull Hair”
I am no hair expert – but I assume that frizzy and dull hair are unwanted characteristics. And if so, then this shampoo is able to transform frizzy and dull (unattractive) in to Silky & Smooth (attractive).
Wow. What a breakthrough.
Quickly I turn the bottle around, keen for more information on this miracle product. Fortunately the manufacturers have provided some great further insights in to their wizardry.
“Gently cleanses while giving hair active Pro V Nutrients…”
This is highly reassuring for me to know that I am adding not only ‘active’ nutrients to my hair but of a Pro V variety. Pro V sounds clinical and technical. I wonder what it stands for? Pro Victory perhaps and presumably in the fight against the dreaded frizz.
The bottle goes on to explain…
“Provides silky smoothness & frizz control for hair prone to frizz or dryness.”
Hasn’t this already been covered?
But I guess with such a breakthrough as quelling frizz and providing ‘Silky Smooth’ – P&G can be forgiven for continuing to bang it's drum.
And on it goes…
For any people with hair that is frizzy and dry but who are still doubtful about what the efficacy of this shampoo and what it is capable of, the bottle goes on to provide in BULLET POINTS…
- Fights roughness and controls frizz
- Leaves your hair beautifully silky smooth
- Leaves hair looking perfectly moisturised
Now, as a regular user of this premium family shampoo – I can honestly say that my hair has never felt ‘beautifully silky smooth’. In fact, I would say that my hair is more frizz than smooth but this is not a complaint because until my bath and having the time to really study my bottle of shampoo, this had never occurred to me.
Furthermore, I am not even sure if my hair looks perfectly moisturised as the bottle clearly states. It might be because they are jealous of course, but none of my friends have ever told me so – but this is probably a good thing. Indeed, if a mate does ever tell me that my hair looks perfectly moisturised, then I would probably recalibrate our friendship.
Not that I would do such a thing – but it is tempting just to see the look on the managers face in my local branch of Asda.
During this lockdown period, when the food retailers are the unsung heroes of the hour. Having to remain open and exposed and for scant regard. A hard-pressed store manager is called away from his office to deal with an irate customer with an unusual complaint.
Tired and frazzled, he stumbles on to the shop floor. Ahead of him is a small balding man with dry/frizzy hair. In one hand he clutches a receipt and in the other, he holds a half empty bottle of his best-selling shampoo.
‘Yes sir, how can I help?’ The manager begins politely because the customer is always right!
‘Well…’ I begin. ‘You can start by answering whether or not you would describe my hair as Silky & Smooth…’
‘Or how about perfectly moisturised?’ At this I might lean forward and encourage him to have a good rummage.
But I wouldn’t do this of course, because I understand that such writing and the spurious claims on a bottle of shampoo is all horse-shit. We are not supposed to read it and if we do, then we needn’t take it literally.
So why then did it so rankle with me? Cabin fever from lockdown perhaps but I think something else is at play. Just why do we put up with this sort of nonsense?
I have long had a thing about non-jobs. By non-jobs, I mean jobs that if they disappeared completely, then no one would notice.
I have spent decades stringing words together – sometimes in to complete novels – which are absolutely supposed to be read but are largely ignored and yet the clowns who write this sort of garbage for Proctor and efffing Gamble are no doubt, highly paid for their efforts. Something like a ‘brand manager’ or some other non-job. And no doubt, some twatty designers are involved; posh kids covered in ink and working from a loft somewhere.
And isn’t my continuing dull and frizzy hair a demonstration of mis-selling? And aren’t we supposed to be protected from such malpractice by things called trade bodies? And there we have it, trade bodies, non-jobs personified – the circle completes and why we must endure such unmitigated BS.
The irony being that the people who write this drivel are probably highly educated and most likely, expensively so. What a waste of money then and how depressing that this is what their talents stretch to.
I put a lot of non-jobs up there with the likes of Joey Exotic and like the rest of the world, I am hoping that he gets eaten.
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